Celebrity Crushes

2 06 2009

You don’t have to tell me how absurd it is to have celebrity crushes as a twenty something male; I get it, I know.  But if we are honest, we all have them. The only difference is I am going to swallow my pride and share mine with you. Not only will I bare my soul by telling you who they are, but why. So with much fear and trepidation I present to you my TOP 5 celebrity crushes in no particular order…

wow

wow

Lisa LoebI still remember the first time I saw the music video for “Stay.” I don’t know if it was the glasses, the slightly disheveled hair,  that little black dress, or the fact that she writes her own songs and plays guitar (which is rare among pop stars).  Whatever the case I was/am madly in love with Mrs. Loeb (yeah she got married recently much to my dismay) and would probably squeal like a school girl if I were to ever be in the same place as her.  Or I might just go catatonic, either way I think I peed a little when I saw she was following me on twitter (after I followed her of course). Also I dated a girl in high school in large part because I thought she resembled Lisa (yikes).

My Girlfriend
My “Girlfriend”

Erin Andrews– This beautiful lady can be seen gracing the sidelines and dugouts of many pro and college sporting events as an ESPN/ABC reporter, or dancing through my mind as I try and focus on the game at hand.  I embarrassingly enough often refer to Ms. Andrews as “My Girlfriend,” so much so that many of my friends ask about “our relationship.”  (hiding my face in shame) But let’s be honest guys, a woman who can not only talk sports intelligibly, but also get you tickets to the most exclusive athletic events known to man…Wow

how YOU doin?

how YOU doin?

Brittany Daniel– More affectionately known to me as Brandy on Joe Dirt, I immediately fell in love with her as soon as she sauntered onto the screen and into my life.  Brittany has a unique quality of causing me to be so enraptured by her beauty that I catch myself attempting to flirt with her image on the screen.  Luckily I have never been caught, but if anyone suddenly wants to watch Joe Dirt with me after reading this, no deal.  I actually think I just want Brandy to be real so I can marry her, also I will punch that Kid Rock in the FACE!

computa lakilajai

computa lakilajai

Freida Pinto– How could anyone forget the actress who played grown-up Latika on Slumdog Millionaire?  This girl is ridiculously, insanely, exotically, attractive.  She also caused me to stop dead in my tracks to attempt flirting with the screen (so embarassing).  I will go on a thousand game shows if it means we can find each other and be together.

showered?

showered?

Jessica Alba– I haven’t watched too many shows or movies with her in them, but the ones I have caused me to wonder if anyone else felt this way about her.  She is what I would consider a bombshell.  She could get 2 hours of sleep and have not showered for 6 days and still roll out of bed looking ridiculously cute.  I feel like the others are so “out of the box” that I had to include at least one somewhat mainstream crush.

HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO:

Childhood Crushes:

Kelly Kapowski/Tiffani Amber-Theissen (who didn’t have a crush on her, hot sundae?) 

Topanga (Boy Meets World)/Danielle Fishel

Carla Gugino (Girl from Son-in-Law)

Winnie Cooper (from Wonder Years)

Most Recent Crushes

Mila Kunis- See Forgetting Sarah Marshall and it’s all over…

Isla Fisher- See Hot Rod and it’s all over….

One last thing…These are merely my crushes, they are opinions, so please be kind in your responses, I am very fragile after exposing this to the world…..

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Absurd Conspiracy Theory #1

29 04 2009

dstrokes

(Whispering) Hello.  I would like to share with you a few of my absurd Conspiracy theories that I may or may not actually believe.  This is the first.  On the 3rd of November in the year 19 hundred and 78 A.D. the world was exposed to a seemingly harmless sitcom.  Or was it?  From the moment it hit the air on NBC, I submit to you that it was with an insidious hidden agenda.  What was that agenda?  Was it promoting racial harmony within an interracial non-traditional family unit?  Was it to launch the careers of such child stars as Gary Coleman, Todd Bridges and Dana Plato (have you seen the E! True Hollywood story on them, yikes)? OR WAS IT TO SECRETLY USHER IN THE RISE OF THE POSTMODERN ERA WITH THE  SEDITIOUS LYRICS TO THE THEME SONG??!?!?!?!?  I submit to you that was EXACTLY their plan….

Read the Lyrics for yourself…

Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum,
What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
A man is born, he’s a man of means.
Then along come two, they got nothing but their jeans.

But they got, Diff’rent Strokes.
It takes, Diff’rent Strokes.
It takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shine,
It don’t matter that you got not alot
So what,
They’ll have theirs, and you’ll have yours, and I’ll have mine.
And together we’ll be fine….

Because it takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.
Yes it does.
It takes, Diff’rent Strokes to move the world.

hear for yourself…catchy but SUBVERSIVE

Hmmmmm…. Now I can’t speak to this with as much certainty as I would like due to the fact that I wasn’t born yet, but hindsight is 20/20, or in my case 20/15 (hiyo).  After some intense research using the finest tools I’ve available at my disposal, wikipedia and google both confirmed my suspicions that the beginning of postmodernism has been dated by some theorists to almost this exact time!  Read the lyrics, it’s all there.  No absolute truth (“what might be right for you, may not be right for some”), moral relativism, corruption of traditional authority, total disillusionment with modernism/globalization of said era (“it takes Diff’rent Strokes to MOVE THE WORLD, (emphasis mine)).  It’s all there.  All you have to do is open your eyes to and ears to see and hear it.  Who is behind all this?  The NBC execs?

notice the jowliness

notice the jowliness

The ever-increasingly jowly Conrad Bain (Mr.Drummond)?  The world may never know, but we must continue to seek the truth behind all this.  It will forever beg the question, “What ARE you talking about, Willis?”





A Few, umm Minor Adjustments…

20 04 2009

I recently got the opportunity to experience something pretty momentous.  My beloved Atlanta Braves moved their Triple-A affiliate from Richmond, Virginia to the place that is great and where success lives Gwinnett County, Georgia (which also happens to be where I’ve lived for 92.592repeating % of my life).

Just look to the Water Towers and youll know

Just look to the Water Towers and you'll know

I was given tickets to Opening day at the cleverly titled Gwinnett Stadium for the first ever game to be played there.  Mind you this was last minute so I didn’t have the entire week/day to get excited and anticipate what it would be like, which may or may not have been a good thing.  So with that in mind I made a few observations that I would like to share with you about my experience.  I don’t want to be overly negative or critical, so I am offering a few positives along with a few critiques of the first game in the new stadium.

The Good

1.  Location, Location, Location- The location of this ballpark is pure genius- it’s a couple of miles from the second largest mall in the southeast (which equals lots of people and places to eat), it’s near a major interstate and on a busy highway.  Also, if someone gets called up to the bigs or sent down to AAA, their drive is only an hour at most instead of hopping a plane to Virginia (economy/gas prices/stimulus bill).

2. Did I mention the Location?

The Bad

1.  First things first, the parking/getting to the stadium situation.  Overall I give them a B-.  Despite having many fluorescent vested men waving us to our respective parking destination, the aforementioned highway was backed up for a couple of miles which seemed to be an easy fix, suggestion- take control of the traffic lights leading up to the stadium, you have the cops, use them

2. Food?  Maybe later. I decided to check out what the new stadium had to offer in the way of food.  Well after getting to know everyone around me in line way too well, and putting on the impromptu stand up routine about the slow service to keep my sanity, I was annoyed.  All I wanted was a philly(city not team) cheesesteak.  What I got was an hour in line observing slothful old ladies dump out lots of beer trying to figure out how to pour it without the foamy head, and learning how to use the newfangled cash registers. I give them a D for lack of preparation.

3. Cement wall (not to be confused with the Green Monstah)? Now I am not an architect or even a wannabe like George Costanza, but in Left field at the new stadium there is this cement wall that is really unsightly.  Now I am sure this serves a greater purpose than being an eyesore, but that is prime real estate for catching homeruns or sitting tranquilly on a grassy knoll.  I heard they are going to put a restaurant there, but for now, yikes.

The Undecided (I bet you thought I was gonna say the ugly huh? nope)

1. Foul Ball situation- I love the fact that while watching a game at Gwinnett Stadium you feel like you are almost on the field because you are so close…I did not however love that every foul ball was another opportunity for a crazy richochet fest to ensue where old guys pull hammys trying to snag a foul.  Also at the end of the day I don’t want to see some poor fan get walloped by a blazing liner and knocked cold (I don’t think). Heads up folks.

2. I love that they had flat screen TVs with the Atlanta Braves game on, but when I went into the team store and came out a few minutes later there were 4 more runs on the board for the Tides and I had no clue how they got there.  Can we not get a little closed circuit action going on so the fans can keep an eye on the game when they leave their seats?

All in all my experience wasn’t bad (except that the G-Braves lost).  And I am trying to grant them a little leniency since it was their first ever game in Gwinnett.  But if this is truly to become a first-class minor league experience (oxymoron?), they’ve got a few kinks to work out.

Any thoughts? Anyone else attend?

n33000229_36680269_17846964





Great is Baseball…

5 04 2009

As I drink in the sweet nectar of the arrival of another season of America’s pastime, I am euphoric. It is hard for me to put words around the feelings it stirs up inside me. At the risk of seeming melodramatic and overstating it’s importance I am going to point you to a few of my favorite baseball quotes and let you, the reader make your own conclusions,
Here goes…

“Great is Baseball. The National Tonic. The Revival of Hope. The Restorer of Confidence.”
The Sporting News, circa 1930

“I see great things in Baseball. It’s our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us.”

Walt Whitman

“The one constant through all the years, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again.”
Field of Dreams

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”
A. Bartlett Giamatti

“No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference.”
Tommy Lasorda

“This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There’s time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings.”
Bill Veeck

“…there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance.”
Ron Shelton, Bull Durham

“The trouble with baseball is that it is not played the year round.”
Gaylord Perry

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
Dave Barry (does this make me an old man for including a DB quote?)

“Well, boys, it’s a round ball and a round bat and you got to hit the ball square.”
Joe Schultz

“Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.”
Mike Royko

“Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack.”
Adam Morrow

“What does a mama bear on the pill have in common with the World Series? No cubs.”
Harry Caray

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.
Greg, age 8

nolanfight1





Top 5 Worst Movies I Saw in the Theater…

30 03 2009

I love lists.  Especially countdowns and best/worst lists.  As I showered yesterday I thought about a movie that I saw in the theater and couldn’t believe I sat through it. This gave way to compiling a list of the worst movies I ever paid good money to see in the theater. Now mind you I was young, and had not developed the keen sense of judgment I have now in which movies to see, but some of these are simply inexcusable. So with much fear and trepidation I present to you my top 5 worst movies I saw in the theater….


5. The Thin Red Line

I mistakenly thought this was going to be a war movie worth seeing because of the star-studded cast, almost 2 hours in I was still trying to figure out what the heck was going on…thankfully I walked out on this one…

thinredline

4. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

I saw the midnight showing of this because I am a dork and I love Star Wars.  Little did I know that the 2 super nerds that had an impromptu lightsaber fight in the front of the theater would put on the best show the audience would see that night.  Why did this make the list? 3 Words: Jar Jar Binks (well 2 words but 1 repeated)

jarjar

3. The Pest

Starring up and comer at the time John Leguizamo, this movie was so bad it couldn’t even fill the full 90 minutes reserved for most low rate comedies (loose use of the term comedy in this case).  I also think this was the beginning of my irrational ability to convince myself I liked any movie I just saw instead of facing the fact that I just wasted 10 bucks.

thepest

2. Suburban Commando

This movie featuring Terry “Hulk, Hollywood Hogan, Hulkamania, Thunder Lips, Terry Boulder, Sterling Golden, Mr. America” Bollea was just ridiculous, even for a movie aimed at 10 year olds like myself at the time.  Outside of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and his loss to Andre the Giant on Aug. 9, 1980, it was by far his worst performance.  After the dust settles in his divorce, he owes me $7 (adjusted for inflation of course, too soon?).

bb1321


And the winner is…….

1. Spider Man 3

Let me pre-empt this by saying I owned one comic book in my life and it was Spider Man Vs. Shocker.  That was as far as I got in my comic collecting (thankfully).  But despite my loyalty to Superman and his preeminence, I think Spiderman is a close second in the favorite superhero department.  Having said that I was horribly disappointed by the Spiderman movies, and they got progressively worse.  ESPECIALLY SPIDERMAN 3.  I went once again to the midnight showing and was as giddy as a school girl.  I will sum up my experience with my flow of thought while watching…ugh horribly contrived dialogue, Spidey turns emo?!?!? another perfect example of Kirsten Dunst switching between mysteriously attractive to NOT at all every scene change, two villians?!?! it’s almost like you can tell the actors don’t even want to be in this… wait, can I laugh when Harry hits his head on the pipe? no? that was supposed to be dramatic? how long until this is over?) I’ll spare you the rest but it’s worth noting that I have watched this movie a couple of times since and it was possibly even worse than I remembered, as much as it pains me to say.  Perhaps they should throw it out and start over like they did with Batman…Dark Knight but with Spidey? I’m in..

poster6

Honorable mention goes to Anaconda and Joe Vs the Volcano…





Criteria for a good “Show”

28 03 2009
Hey everyone,  I moved my blog b/c WordPress is better…
First, let me apologize for 2 things.
1. Sorry I don’t blog much.
2. Sorry my blogs are too long.
I promise to work on fixing both of those.
ANYWHO…Last night I went to a Butch Walker Show (or concert depending on who you ask and what kind of “scene” they are portraying). It was incredible. Butch Walker is a rock star. Not to the level of Mick Jagger or Bono, nor would he consider himself even remotely nearing their stratosphere, nonetheless rock star. So much so that he seems oblivious to it. Anyway the show was so good that it inspired me to share a few thoughts on what makes a show/concert transcendent. Mind you these are opinions, but being a self-proclaimed music snob/critic, I think they are pretty savvy. Some are glaringly obvious, others more subtle but as you read them you will hopefully think to yourself “yep.”
Here goes.
Criterion for a quality “Show” (apart from merely being music you like played live)
1. The Artist or band need to not be sick of touring– i.e. first few shows of a tour or the very last are best, or in this case the artist’s hometown…there’s nothing worse than when you show up to hear a song you love and the artist is so sick of singing it that they change it completely so it’s barely recognizable from the original recording

2. A healthy mix of old and new stuff– what a tragedy when you are an “old school” fan and all they want to do is promote the new cd that frankly isn’t as good. (not the case last night)

3. Stage presence– it’s one of those things that is almost intangible, that is until someone shows up with none, case in point the lead guitarist last night- face melting guitar solos, expressionless face, also (see Danielle Young from Caedmon’s Call, sorry I know it’s apples and wolverines, but still)

4. The people you are with- need to like the band and their songs, not be pissed about spending money on tickets, and be able to appreciate good music when they hear it. also a bonus is if they see the humor in cougars on the prowl and borderline ‘little people’ who are tipsy

5. The Artist/Band Sound good- this one seems almost painfully obvious, but I saw Third Eye Blind at Centennial Park in downtown ATL, and Stephan Jenkins couldn’t hit a single high note in Semi-Charmed life, it was painful. Proof that the studio can do great things to a mediocre voice…

and last but certainly not least…

6. Interaction with the Audience- There is a very fine line between fluid crowd interaction and an artist that has mistaken their role and is trying to be too charming and funny, and ends up being smarmy… I know I’m gonna catch flak for this but as much as I enjoy their music, Dave Barnes and Matt Wertz, and even Chris Thile at times, yikes guys, play your songs I didn’t pay to hear you talk…

that’s all for today…
Cheers