Top 5 Worst Movies I Saw in the Theater…

30 03 2009

I love lists.  Especially countdowns and best/worst lists.  As I showered yesterday I thought about a movie that I saw in the theater and couldn’t believe I sat through it. This gave way to compiling a list of the worst movies I ever paid good money to see in the theater. Now mind you I was young, and had not developed the keen sense of judgment I have now in which movies to see, but some of these are simply inexcusable. So with much fear and trepidation I present to you my top 5 worst movies I saw in the theater….


5. The Thin Red Line

I mistakenly thought this was going to be a war movie worth seeing because of the star-studded cast, almost 2 hours in I was still trying to figure out what the heck was going on…thankfully I walked out on this one…

thinredline

4. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

I saw the midnight showing of this because I am a dork and I love Star Wars.  Little did I know that the 2 super nerds that had an impromptu lightsaber fight in the front of the theater would put on the best show the audience would see that night.  Why did this make the list? 3 Words: Jar Jar Binks (well 2 words but 1 repeated)

jarjar

3. The Pest

Starring up and comer at the time John Leguizamo, this movie was so bad it couldn’t even fill the full 90 minutes reserved for most low rate comedies (loose use of the term comedy in this case).  I also think this was the beginning of my irrational ability to convince myself I liked any movie I just saw instead of facing the fact that I just wasted 10 bucks.

thepest

2. Suburban Commando

This movie featuring Terry “Hulk, Hollywood Hogan, Hulkamania, Thunder Lips, Terry Boulder, Sterling Golden, Mr. America” Bollea was just ridiculous, even for a movie aimed at 10 year olds like myself at the time.  Outside of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain and his loss to Andre the Giant on Aug. 9, 1980, it was by far his worst performance.  After the dust settles in his divorce, he owes me $7 (adjusted for inflation of course, too soon?).

bb1321


And the winner is…….

1. Spider Man 3

Let me pre-empt this by saying I owned one comic book in my life and it was Spider Man Vs. Shocker.  That was as far as I got in my comic collecting (thankfully).  But despite my loyalty to Superman and his preeminence, I think Spiderman is a close second in the favorite superhero department.  Having said that I was horribly disappointed by the Spiderman movies, and they got progressively worse.  ESPECIALLY SPIDERMAN 3.  I went once again to the midnight showing and was as giddy as a school girl.  I will sum up my experience with my flow of thought while watching…ugh horribly contrived dialogue, Spidey turns emo?!?!? another perfect example of Kirsten Dunst switching between mysteriously attractive to NOT at all every scene change, two villians?!?! it’s almost like you can tell the actors don’t even want to be in this… wait, can I laugh when Harry hits his head on the pipe? no? that was supposed to be dramatic? how long until this is over?) I’ll spare you the rest but it’s worth noting that I have watched this movie a couple of times since and it was possibly even worse than I remembered, as much as it pains me to say.  Perhaps they should throw it out and start over like they did with Batman…Dark Knight but with Spidey? I’m in..

poster6

Honorable mention goes to Anaconda and Joe Vs the Volcano…

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6 responses

30 03 2009
Rachel

Yes, I have to agree with all those. (Stupid Jar Jar Binks) For myself I’d have to include “Inspector Gadget,” “Desperado,” and “Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull” – I thought actors got better with age and experience. I’m sorry Harrison it’s time hang up the whip. Good blog Peej!

29 03 2009
Brittany

Pj, I couldn’t believe my facebook eyes when I saw you had blogged again but it was well worth the wait. I’m ashamed to say I’ve seen all of these (except for the Hulk one of course) and I think we may be brain twins on the Spiderman 3 thing. I too saw a midnight showing (shout out to the Statesboro Carmike) and people with me tried to convince me it was good but something didn’t seem right and I refused to give in to peer pressure. That something that didn’t seem right? The eyeliner/semi-musical number of “bad spidey” that quickly took a sharp turn into weirdville with him slapping good ole MJ…

29 03 2009
nate

i’m proud to say that i was with you for 3, 4, and 5 and i completely agree. well done.

31 03 2009
Ashik

AHHAH….I agree the spiderman movies sucked and kristen dunst is probably the ugliest person in hollywood

1 04 2009
Stew

How did you feel about Thunder in Paradise? B/c that sir, was a great movie. As for my worst movie in the theatre…Death to Smoochy. Terrible. Maybe I should watch it again, but I just remember hating it when me, my girlfriend, and one other guy in the theatre (the guy who bought the huge movie sampler tray) watched it. Best scene, when Edward Norton has a wiener cookie in his hands in front of a bunch of kids.

30 07 2010
Amber

Love it pj.

For me my number 1 & 2 would have to be the two movies I ever walked out of a theatre for….

those are….

Bounty Hunter and Starsky and Hutch

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